Liza Allen is a technical writer and health coach who lives in Minnesota.
Receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis is devastating. Patients often endure rounds of chemotherapy and radiation treatments hoping for recovery, remission, and relief. When this is not possible, palliative care with a focus on dying well can provide patients and families with a way to preserve quality of life up until the end of life.
In 1978, when my mother was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer, palliative care was not available to her. In “Disconnected Spaces” (Intima, Spring 2023), I write about how my family did not talk about my mother’s terminal cancer while she was sick. Due to my family’s superstitions around illness and death, she did not communicate her feelings and could not find a way to acknowledge and accept her imminent death. Her suffering and eventual death triggered past traumas for my father, which in turn impacted our entire family.
I was drawn to Daniel Shalev’s essay “Night River” (Intima, Fall 2015) because it highlights the impact that a compassionate physician can have on a patient and their family. In the essay, Shalev describes Mrs. Pout as dying “from a cancer, which has destroyed her bone marrow’s capacity to make new blood cells.” Despite her frailty, Mrs. Pout wants more chemotherapy, hoping it will extend her life. Shalev provides support by helping shift her thinking away from continuing futile treatments and toward the possibility of dying well.
The road to Mrs. Pout accepting her end-of-life status is not straightforward. Shalev writes that “[she] accepts and she doesn’t. We succeed and we fail. We create a common language.” Creating a language together that honors a dying patient’s feelings and allows them to feel understood and cared for is a powerful connection. Accepting that a terminal illness cannot be cured but pain and anxiety can be managed often brings comfort and support to dying patients and their families.
The idea of a “good death” did not exist when my mother was dying. If someone like Shalev had been on my mother’s care team, I believe that her end-of-life experience would have been less painful and traumatic. Though it was not available in 1978, I am grateful that in 2023 palliative care exists for patients and families who need it. Holding space for a good death can bring peace and comfort to patients and families facing the challenges of end-of-life decisions.
Liza Allen is a technical writer and health coach who lives in Minnesota. Allen has published work in River Teeth and Tishman Review. She is working on a memoir about her experience growing up as a daughter of Holocaust survivors and the impact of intergenerational trauma on health and wellbeing.